The Will-Power to Love

Its common sense that serving yourself should be the most fulfilling way to live life. Its in our nature to do this. Serving self is easy. Serving others is seen as second. Its opposes what we feel. Sometimes, its hard work. Serving other feels unnatural.

Yet, it also seems that some of the happiest, most fulfilled people, serve others primarily.

A few people come to mind:

• Mother Teresa - Advocated for the poor in India by starting a school with no funds or outside help. She served Jesus in everything she did.
• Paul (the disciple) - Lived on the road with an intense desire to tell others about Jesus. He often endured extreme misfortune for the cause of the gospel.
• Katie Davis - Moved to Uganda at 18 years old to help children in poverty. At 23 (I think), she's currently a mom to 13 children and runs a non-profit organization to help single moms.

Clearly, these are not complete stories; nor are the above the only people who've ever experienced fulfillment in serving others before serving self.

On the flip side, lets look at people who serve themselves primarily.

Professional athletes, actors, and actresses. The majority of celebrities. All with ridiculous amounts of money to blow on themselves. How many of their marriages end in divorce? How many end up with money problems, legal problems, drug and alcohol problems, in rehab, or depressed? A lot.

Obviously, this isn't true across the board. I'm sure there are plenty of selfish people who claim to be completely happy with serving themselves.

I've been thinking about the reason why selfless people seem to have so much joy. I believe it is because joyful selfless people have a (sometimes) hidden motivation. They have a knowledge of something greater that serving self. I think these people are motivated to serve others because of the love and grace they've been shown.

Serving others while expecting nothing in return is a hard pill to swallow. If I always expect something in return, I'll be let down. I think people who are selfless understand that their personal sin is unforgivable without the grace of God. I think selfless people understand that God forgiving them of unforgivable offenses is such a marvelous act, that they're forever grateful.

Selfless people are not selfless out of their own will. Selfless people are selfless out of God's transforming Love and Grace.

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I'm becoming aware of this from personal experience. I teach in a diverse school, located in a low income neighborhood. I'm made fun of sometimes. Students don't respect me. I'm often overloaded with extra things to do. To put it lightly, its sometimes nothing short of chaotic. My natural reaction is to become frustrated and sometimes angry with students who give me issues. I even yell sometimes. Little by little, God is transforming me. Last week, I caught myself in an interaction with a usual offender. A thought entered my mind.

"You don't know his story."

I realized that yelling, frustration, and overall negative interaction with this student is not synonymous with loving him. I was trying to help him, but it was only driving him away. I was trying to get through, but he was building walls, keeping me out.

My problem is this: I try to 'love' out of my own will-power. I don't (often) let God's love and grace transform me into a loving person. Using my own will power on a daily basis leaves me feeling pretty empty. It hasn't been until lately that God has really been teaching me that my love also has a source. My love flows from his love. Its the only sustainable source of love. Without God's love, my love will fail.

I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting there ;)

Downsizing?

I own a lot of stuff. Merely living in the U.S. drops me into that category. I'm 24 and I own a house. It amazes me how much stuff I have when I really stop and look around at all of it. I must have hundreds of dollars worth of stuff in every room of the house. I've got a garage with several thousand dollars worth of stuff in it. I've got stuff that I use all the time and I've got stuff that I almost never use. Wow, I've got a lot of stuff.

So maybe I over-used the word stuff a little?

But seriously, its accurate. And, I've got a thought.

My stuff requires attention. I've got to clean, heat, and cool the house; I wash, refuel, and maintain the car. I pay the utilities, cable, and internet bill. I mow the lawn, shovel the driveway, feed the dog, and the list goes on. And, its not going to slow down. With two kids en route, the amount of stuff in my house will only increase.

My thought is this.

Maintaining, cleaning, fixing, and using my stuff can consume my life if I let it. It can consume my resources, time, and energy. Jesus tells us not to set our desires on the things of this world, but on heavenly things. By having so much stuff, I think it becomes difficult to not be consumed by it.

In my mind, less stuff = more resources, time, and energy with which to serve Jesus. Stuff takes away from things that are really important.

Unfortunately, it seems impossible to achieve "less stuff" without drastic lifestyle changes. For example, I must have a house if I plan on having children (which I do). Secondly, I must have a vehicle. It's literally impossible to function without one. Its inconvenient not to have internet. Cell phones are a must. The list goes on and on. The resources, time, and energy saved is minimal with downsizing. In some cases, downsizing isn't even worth it.

The crazy part is, my wife and I work full time in career related jobs. We make more money than I would've guessed we'd make at this point in our lives. AND, we probably spend at least 70% of it on bills/expenses. Granted, we're saving for an adoption. But, with no kids, I can't believe its already necessary for both of us to work full time to survive. It seems ridiculous when the average person makes much less than we do.

Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I just need to say 'thanks' to God for all he's blessed me with and be ok with it? Maybe I'm rambling and none of this actually holds water at all.

What do you think?

Philippians 1: An unwavering vision

Paul begins this letter to the Philippians by stating that he thanks God every time he thinks of them. He's overjoyed that they teach the gospel with such vigor. He's just so... excited. He prays that their love will abound more and more. He prays this so that the church will be able to discern what is pure, righteous, and most glorifying to God.

Wow, what a nice guy! I bet the first time the Philippians read this, they felt nice and warm inside. I mean, if Paul says you're legit, you're definitely legit.

But then, Paul says "Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel." He goes on to say that his presence in prison has influenced other prisoners and prison guards to profess Christ. Because of Paul's continued proclamation of the gospel (while in chains), others were empowered to not only believe, but proclaim without fear as well.

He recognizes that some proclaim with ill-minded intentions and some with great intentions. He doesn't care. The gospel is being furthered either way.

He makes a statement that he wouldn't mind dying. The whole "to die is gain" thing is almost a tad eerie. Death is such a scary thing. Yet, he mentions it as if deciding to swing through the drive through at McDonald's. He is definitely not afraid of death. He recognizes that dying really means unity with Christ.

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Paul is just odd and awesome all at the same time. He's confusing at times and seemingly contradictory. He's idiotically passionate. This dude is about as "one of a kind" as they come. Former 'christian-killer' to ... Christian. When I read that he was bound by chains in prison, I thought I'd misread. The chapter starts off so upbeat that I thought I'd missed something. I just couldn't fathom how someone sitting in prison (and prison in those days was TERRIBLE) could sound so upbeat about someone else's good work.

The first part of this chapter is great for reminding me about what's important. I get wrapped up in my own little bubble and forget why I was ever created. I forget that God is probably using me in ways that I don't see. I forget that God loves me - immeasureably - and will always love me. I forget what crazy depravity I'm saved from. I take the first opportunity to complain about what's 'so bad' about my life. Paul doesn't do this - he does the opposite. He does the opposite because he gets the big picture. He knows why he's there.

The thing about Paul is he had it all. He had high social status and probably some wealth. He was a religious leader. He was more than likely revered by his community.

He must have gone crazy.

..or

He must really be onto something. He chose a life on the road, less social status, negligible income, little social consistency, and food insecurity. These are all the things most people (myself included) value most.

He's got an unwavering vision of the meaning of life with his eyes fixed on the end. He wants to further the kingdom of God. That's it. He wants to bring glory to the name of Jesus. That's it. Paul has immovable focus.

Maybe he's crazy. Maybe he's chasing some kind of 'God-high.' Maybe he likes to travel. Maybe he likes being beaten (doubtful)? Maybe....

Maybe Paul just gets it. Since Paul was raised to be a religious leader, he no doubt, has the Torah (first five books of the bible) memorized. He understands the wrath of God. He understands the depravity of mankind. Lastly, he understands what kind of Love God must have; to let his Son be murdered in the most brutal way possible - for sinful people. I think Paul just is just overwhelmed by a God who would do that. I think he's overwhelmed to the point of choosing:

Life on the road, less social status, negligible income, little social consistency, and food insecurity.

The end goal must make the journey worth every step.

Our Adoption so far

I realized that the back story of our adoption is nowhere in writing. I also realized the process has been fragmentally documented thus far. Is "fragmentally" a word? Anyway, I'm going to attempt to recap everthing that has happened so far.

In August of 2011, after 6 months of trying to get pregnant, Kristen and I started talking about adoption. We had always said that we’d love to adopt one day. We weren't frustrated with not getting pregnant (or at least I wasn’t), but we were ready to at least consider adoption. After a phone call with a lady about domestic adoption, we decided we would wait. I don't recall our reasoning for that decision.

Then, we went to Orchard Hill Church's "The Gathering" on the University of Northern Iowa's campus in Early September. The entire service was about how we are adopted into God's family through Christ. There were multiple people who spoke on this aspect of God's love for us. There was even an interview with a family who adopted a little girl. Kristen and I were nudging each other the entire service. It seemed that God was speaking to us through the entire time. While this may be the most highly attended service of the year, it seemed like we were the only people in the room. Afterwards, Kristen and I decided that God wanted us to look into adoption further. We decided to look into international adoption. Kristen contacted an Agency in Des Moines called About a Child.

Immediately, they hit it off. Kristen talked about wanting to adopt a child from Russia (our preliminary research led us to believe that this was the only place we could adopt from because we're only 24 years old). After talking for an hour and a half about our faith and love for kids, the lady mentioned an adoption pilot program for adopting from Uganda. She mentioned to Kristen that there were two little girls (ages 3 and 2) that had been on the waiting list for months. The agency was thinking of splitting the sisters into separate adoptions because they'd been waiting so long.

We decided that we'd be interested in looking into (emphasis on the looking into part) adopting the girls. Kristen was thoroughly excited; I was nervously weighing pros/cons and working my way through my analytical mumbo jumbo. I don't make big decisions quickly. When we talked to About a Child again, and learned of some of the qualifications, we were dismayed that it wouldn't be possible for us to adopt the girls.

However, the lady from About a Child was persistent.

She still wanted to know if we were interested. I was confused. In my mind, rules were rules and this was a done deal. However, we said we'd be interested if an exception could be made. This is conversation ended around 9 p.m. That night, Kristen and I prayed that if God wanted us to do adopt the girls, that he blatantly show us. At around 9 a.m. the next morning, the same lady called Kristen and said that the "situation" had been resolved. What?? How? Overnight?

Yep. Overnight.

The lady from About a Child managed to call Uganda and get a hold of the About a Child Rep. Between the two of them, the situation was resolved. HOLY CRAP. This was huge to me. I couldn't believe that God had resolved such a huge hurdle in only 12 hours.

From then on, (well, I still took a few days to come around to the idea of being a father of two) we knew that God wanted us to adopt the girls. We talked to wonderful friends of ours who recently adopted four siblings from Poland, arranged paperwork, got fingerprinted, started the homestudy process, and praying for our girls!

We learned that Faith (3 years) and Stecia (2 years) were living with their grandmother. Grandma is elderly and also looks after several other children. We got pictures, medical information, and other details. We also get periodic updates from About a Child. We also learned that a man (from Uganda) would be going to Uganda to adopt his niece and wouldn't be far from where Faith and Stecia live. He graciously took made the extra trip and took some pictures for us while he was there.

After finalizing the homestudy, sending some funds, raising some funds, and paperwork, we're patiently (or at least trying to be patient) for our court date in Uganda. If court goes well, we'll be the legal gaurdians of Faith and Stecia! When I think of the impact we will have on them and the impact they will have on us I can hardly contain myself. I’m constantly telling Kristen “I want to go to Africa! Why can’t they just call us!” We’re keeping busy and anxiously anticipating “the call.” When that happens, I’ll update the blog. Until then, enjoy record breaking temperatures :)

getting there.

"So I'll stand; with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the one who gave it all. I'll stand; my soul Lord to you surrendered. All I am is yours."

Those are some pretty powerful lyrics. I love the idea of completely abandoning all things, my heart included, and selling out for God. Many talks/lessons/sermons focus on the idea of living for Christ in all areas of life. They teach us to invite our co-workers to church, have patience with our children, and love our spouses unconditionally. While this is great, I always feel there is a part of these talks this is missing.

People need motivation.

When I tell my students to do an assignment or take a test, they'll only do so if there is something in it for them. If there is not a grade associated with the assignment, I will have 5-10% of students finish it. If I tell a student not to swear in class, he/she will only do so because they do not want an administrator in their face. Students (like the rest of us) will only do something if there is a reason.

The rest of us are the same way. Think about it.. Would we go to work if it weren't for the paycheck? Would we pay the utilities if the threat of getting the water turned off wasn't there? Would we house-train the dog if we didn't mind pee-stained carpet? Would we recyle if we didn't care about the environment?

Would we abandon our hearts, lives, and personal agendas if...

If what? What is the reason the church teaches us to do this? Why surrender and sing "All I am is yours?" I think many Christians can give the Sunday School answer of "Jesus" when asked this question. BUT, DO WE REALLY GET IT? We abandon our hearts, lives, and personal agendas because he sacrificed so much for us. He stepped down from bliss into a crappy, selfish, sinful world. A world that would reject him as soon as they figured out who he really was. He knew the whole time that he would be nailed to two posts. How much must he want to be in relationship with us to do something like that?

HE LOVES us beyond anything we can fathom. Picture the closest, most helpless person in your life. For me, its my wife. Now, picture the most aweful thing that could ever happen to him/her. For me, its that she be brutally tortured, raped, and killed. Now, picture that person doing it willingly. Picture that person having to literally go and put his/herself in that situation.

Could you as the mother to your child, husband to your wife, or friend to your friend actually follow through with this? Could you send your most beloved into a situation like this, knowing what would happen? Could you imagine that person willingly doing it?

The answer to that question is NO. You couldn't. I wouldn't believe a person who says otherwise.

But, God and Jesus made those decisions. They decided to do it. And for what? To be in relationship with a bunch of beings who (for the most part) don't think of him except once or twice a year? Seems like a loser bet to me. HOWEVER, Jesus made that choice. For 33 years as a human, he carried through.

As a person who needs motivation, that is my motivation. I need it. I'm a worthless follower of Jesus otherwise. I still struggle. There are few parts of myself that I feel I've fully surrendered. Most of me only feels "partly" there. A clear understanding of the 'why' is crucial. I'm selfish, but I'm feeling more and more selfless all the time.

The only reason I try? Out of sheer gratitude and awe of what HE sacrificed for me. Its not much in comparison, but I'm going to offer all I can for him. I'm getting there, with the help of God all the time.

Are you?

mediocrity

I'm at school and so frustrated by my students acceptance of where they are. They complain that I give them too much work and expect too much out of them. They are quite content to learn as little as they can. I try to push the idea of a bigger picture. There is much outside of the classroom that can be useful if they apply themselves now. There are many things to gain; even outside of solving equations and graphing lines.

mediocrity is the enemy of growth. Its a comfortable place to be and it takes sacrifice to move from that place. I wouldn't mind beating mediocrity with a hammer (if it were a tangible thing). I fall into it so often, but I desire so much not to. I need to come up with practical things to keep myself out of that place.

DON'T BE MEDIOCRE! BREAK THE MOLD!

Thoughts and Ramblings

Is my job an extension of who I am in Christ?

God has given me a job to do. First of all, to be his follower. To do his will. To bring him the glory he deserves. This is the job he has given all people. Since I'm a Christian, this is my primary responsibility. So, above all else, this is my mission in this life.

God has currently given me another job to do. I'm a school teacher in a relatively high need setting. Is doing my job well, by human standards, part of what God desires that I do/be? Must I strive to be the best teacher of mathematics that I can to be serving God and his will in the highest capacity that I can? My insides tell me, yes. However, I don't know if that is from God or from the general christian culture I live in.

Back to the first job God has given me. What is his will, and what brings him glory in my job? His will states (aka the greatest commandment) that I should love God with all my heart and secondly, love my neighbor as myself. It seems that practically speaking, the doing of my job by human standards is of little value in the "love God with all your heart" category. Doing my job well in the category of "love your neighbor as yourself" may be a more debatable topic in my mind. However, God does command me to obey the laws of man. The laws of teaching (and therefore, man) encourage me to be the best teacher I can be.

The doing of my job well should also influence the "love my neighbor as myself" category in an extreme way. These students look to me for ultimate guidance in the area of math first and foremost. Loving them, would be to teach it in an easily understandable manner such that they're prepared for the next level and ultimately a little more prepared for life in the real world.

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Rules: Hard and fast, or an extension of grace?

It is my belief that rules exist for a reason and they're to be followed. God tells us to obey the laws of the land and since I make the laws of my land, students should follow them. If I don't obey the laws of the land I live in, I don't always receive a physical consequence. However, I have to believe that God judge me eventually (without the presence of Christ in my life). So, do students always get a physical consequence if they do not follow these rules? I'm reminded of the phrase, "don't spare the rod" in regards to child rearing.

It's easy for the teacher to let students get away with breaking rules. It makes you more popular among students. It also makes you look better to administrators. On the outside, everyone benefits from lacking enforcement of rules; at least initially. Eventually, I conclude this would lead to destructive behavior and selfish actions. I think this breeds a kind of dark, uneducated, impoverished culture.