CLOSE AND CONSTANT

Problems that arise in my life usually cause me to do one of two things initially.

One: I feel apathetic about the problem. Its easy not to do anything about the problem. I might justify to myself why it isn't a big deal. I also might just chose to blatantly ignore it. This is usually my first course of action. Almost inevitably, it leads to the second thing I do when I have a problem.

Two: One way or another, I muster up a ton of motivation to fix "my problem." Often times, this requires intense mental effort. I'll pray about it. I'll journal about it (ie what I'm doing now). I might even go as far as talking to close friends and doing research on it. This course of action usually works great... for a time. In the end, this mental effort leaves me feeling burnt out and eventually, I cycle back around to the apathetic mindset.

Somewhere in the midst of this continual cycle, I realize that I can't do it on my own. In fact, a better way to state it would be that I can't do it at all. It's not that I need help to deal with my problem, it's that I'm not the one that should be dealing with my problem. I can only beat my problem for a short time on my own. In the end, my selfish nature kicks my butt.

This cycle continues because I can never seem to let God be in control of my life. Its as simple as that. I realize that it's what I'm supposed to do. SO, often times, I start to practice this. It too, takes a lot of mental effort. It's weird not to feel like you're in control of your own life. However, it feels great. It feels relieving. It feels a bit like a vacation from reality.

The catch is that while I'm letting God run my life, I still have to be on guard against my own selfishness. Slowly, but definitely surely, I subconsciously start to retake control of my life. It's like a default setting in my brain that needs to be monitored, because it can only save the updated setting for a short time. When I regain control, its often not a huge shift back into the "problem." It's often subtle. Before I know it, I'm back in stage one of apathy. Nevertheless, I keep fighting. God calls me to keep fighting.

My fiance and I discuss scripture from time to time. Below is a passage that she prompted me to check out.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Romans 8:18-27

Paul speaks volumes in these verses about frustration. He also gives encouragement as to how to deal with it. I'm amazed at how my life seems to have so many coincidences. I need this passage right now, and yet, but some random chance... my fiance decides to pull this one out the air. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't feel like an accident that things happen the way they do a lot of the time.

I'm also amazed at how patient God seems to be with me. It feels like I let the same problems arise in my life over and over and yet God keeps reminding me of his simple truths. He reminds me of the same things time after time after time. Often, I feel like such an idiot and hypocrite for failing to realize what God wants to do in my life and how he wants to help me. YET, he doesn't even want me to feel that way. He welcomes me with open arms every time I mess up. He welcomes me back with joy and love.

When I think about it, its wild that I ever wander away from letting God have control of my life in the first place. The joy of giving up control far outweigh the benefits of being in control. Yet my default settings eventually take over without constant monitoring. That's why I shouldn't even monitor them. God should. Putting myself in that place means being in close communion with him. Plain and simple. Sure this was long and maybe boring, but when it comes down to it. Its all about having a CLOSE AND CONSTANT relationship with our Savior. He takes care of the rest.