Teaching.

Student teaching is an opportunity for exploration. It’s an opportunity for me to see if God wants me to teach. It’s an opportunity for me to see if I like it as much as I thought I would. I should embrace it. If I don’t embrace it, things will seem crappy. Attitude is sometimes one of the biggest determiners of how much something is enjoyed. Sometimes, in the course of student teaching, I know that I have a bad day because my attitude stinks. I won’t know if I really like teaching if I go into it with a bad attitude. A bad attitude can make a lot of things seem worse than they are. I’ve got to give myself a fair shot at teaching. Some days, an attitude adjustment will give me that fair shot.

Branching off of that – We were made to enjoy creation/life. God has given people the power to enjoy the sun, moon, stars, architecture, teaching, lazy Saturdays, accomplished tasks, and ultimately glorifying the God who loves us immeasurably. What is the key idea? God wants us to enjoy life. To an extent, God wants us to do what we love to do… because he created us the way we are. If I’m created to love art, why would I doom myself to a life of frustration by becoming a business man? I can glorify God in all that I do, so I might as well do what I enjoy.

Secondly, I think I’m more open to doing what God wants me to do if I’m doing what I enjoy. If I love art and I get to do art, then I’ll be happy and more open to seeking out opportunities to thank God for his goodness. If I’m a business man, I’ll spend my days soaked in misery. The last thing on my mind would be the furtherance of his kingdom. Seems counterintuitive (now) to think any other way.

the grand scheme

In the grand scheme, no one person can really change the world. In fact, no person can really make the right choices for any other person. At some point, we have to recognize that people make their own decisions. People can only be influenced so much.

In the grand scheme, God calls us to preach his gospel to everyone. BUT, never does he say to force people to make steps toward God. It is not written that rearing a child in the right way yields a adult who makes all the right choices. There is no proven formula that works across the board for people. Ultimately, people, make their own decisions.

I think, at some point, I need to realize that people don't make (what I perceive to be wrong) decisions because I did something wrong. I need to realize that the people in my life aren't rejecting me when they reject the gospel. If I say something biblical and someone rejects it, they don't reject me, they reject God. Everyone is born with a sinful nature - one that naturally rejects God. Overcoming this nature and following God wholeheartedly, in a sense, doesn't feel natural.

Look at children. Their natural tendency is to gratify themselves. I have a 22 month old niece who is the perfect example of this. She always yells, 'mine!' or picks up all of her toys when other children are around because she doesn't want them to play with them. We're naturally greedy. Sure, at some point, we learn that such behavior is not 'mature' or socially acceptable. BUT, we'd like to take everything for ourselves and leave nothing for others. Deep down, at our core, we're selfish beings.

This is a sticky topic in my mind. Who is to say that the advice I give is totally correct, sound advice? If I believe it is sound, biblical advice, and someone rejects it, then they're rejecting God, straight up. If it's not biblical, then they're rejecting me. But, since when does it matter to God if someone rejects me?

Point: Often times, it's not me that is being rejected - it's God.

stuff cont...

It’s not that it’s wrong to have nice things. It’s not wrong to buy things that you don’t necessarily need even though there are millions of people who suffer continually all around the world. The spirit will lead you to do the things you should do. He’s not calling all wealthy people to send half their paycheck to Africa. After all, he doesn’t need our money to save these people from physical death. He doesn’t NEED my help in the least. God doesn’t need a thing from me.

However, God does tell me to honor him with my stuff. I should be using my stuff to bring God as much glory as possible; even though he doesn’t need me for anything. Nevertheless, I am provided with opportunities to please, honor, and glorify him. I’m not to put stock in earthly things since they are really of little value. What is money in the grand scheme of everything anyway? Next to worthless, I'd say.

This was a moment of clarity for me with the help of a couple good friends :)

What are we doing?

Sometimes, I wonder this. What are we doing? Like, seriously, what are we doing? As much as we claim to be followers of Christ, what are we REALLY doing for Christ? You can't dive 10 blocks without passing a church. Sometimes I feel all we really do is exist inside of them. I'm guilty as well.

My church took a survey awhile ago that 'revealed' what we, as a church, need to work on. The survey revealed that as a whole, we were extremely low on people who are in the Bible on a consistent basis. Also, as far as I can tell, it takes a whip or cattle prod to really get people to serve in the church, let alone in the community within which they live. Maybe that's just my perception??

I had a conversation recently with a good friend of mine. He brought up the point that many Christians perceive God as all knowing, all powerful, all loving, etc... While these things are true, He's a jealous God. He's a Just God. He did wicked crazy things to people who didn't obey him (recorded in many different places in the Bible). This tells me that we're more concerned with making people feel good than we are telling people the truth.

The bottom line is I feel that we as Jesus-followers are really missing the mark. We're severely distracted by the pleasures of life and the lie that sitting in church on Sunday and being in a small group is following Christ to the best of our ability.

If people were sincerely grateful for the sacrifice of Christ on the cross, I feel we'd have a much greater movement of God's people being involved in God's work.

Girl America

Listening to “Girl America” by Mat Kearney made me think of all the injustice that happens everywhere all the time. I caught myself wondering if the majority of people just block it out and pretend that life is happy everywhere or if we acknowledge it, but just decide that it’s “too bad.” Neither of these responses is the right one. What makes us unwilling to reach out? What does it take to love a stranger enough to lend a helping hand; in the name of Jesus or even of morals in general. Reasons I can come up with are as follows:

-It messes up the comfortable life that I currently possess or am trying to obtain.
-I don’t want someone to reject my love.
-It’s an awkward situation and I wouldn’t know how to act or react.
-I wouldn’t even know where to begin…

All of these reasons are valid and most likely true. In Matthew 25:40, Jesus says, “Whatever you did for the least of these, you did to me.” There will always be injustice. There will always be hurting people – everywhere. God commands his people to reach out. It is awkward and uncomfortable. It is also seen as going above and beyond. Lastly, it’s perfectly acceptable to the vast majority of society to just sigh “oh, that’s too bad” and move on with life.

HOWEVER, this is no excuse. Too often, (I think) Christians quench the opportunities God gives us to be used by him to extend his love to broken people. That doesn’t mean that an opportunity was made crystal clear and we reject it (although sometimes this is the case). I think that often, we need to be looking for opportunities and follow God’s leading, even when it seems scary to do so.

This is somewhat of a scatter-brained post. Sorry. Your thoughts?

"Stuff"

Many buy into the lie that material things bring happiness. It’s commonly thought that owning homes, cars, motorcycles, gaming systems, designer clothes, a nice cell phone, etc… means a better life. To sum it up, the more money you have to purchase these things, the happier you’ll be. It’s funny because in America, many people’s lives show that they believe this. However, if you ask someone if money/material things will make them happier, they would say no.

I think another common misconception is that you have to be “wealthy” to fall into this trap. I don’t think you have to have much to fall into it. I know it plagues me and I’m newly married and not quite graduated from college. I don’t really have a lot of disposable income, but I can still feel a lot of pressure to acquire things I probably don’t need. The pressure comes from the lie that life will be better with that new item.

So based on these thoughts, I’ve started wondering what would happen if we decided to give up some of our “stuff.” My speculation is that we would have more time to love our families and friends. We would have more time and resources to help those in need. Our relationships would be deeper. Perhaps a summarizing idea would be that there would be less “stuff” to distract us from being used by God to further his kingdom. I think there’s a reason that Jesus asked the rich man to sell his riches AND THEN follow him. Jesus says it’s harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven then for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. I think the point Jesus makes is that “stuff” gets in the way. Our stuff makes it harder to follow Jesus whole-heartedly. We’re easily distracted by our stuff.

The guys in my wedding party pitched in and bought me an xbox (which I’m quite excited about). My wife (yes, I have a wife now!) works tonight and most of the day tomorrow. It’s quite tempting to sit in my apartment and play my xbox tonight and for the majority of the day tomorrow. It’s fairly distracting for me. Not that it’s wrong for me to play it, but I think it would be more beneficial for me to visit my family, hang with some friends, do something nice for someone, etc… instead of playing ALL night.

I wonder how many times we let our stuff quench opportunities to be used by God. I wonder how much deeper our lives might be without it. Lastly (and I know it’s drastic), I wonder how our lives would look if we literally gave our wealth to the poor and had only basic necessities. Just some thoughts. Oh, and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know what you think!

A More Beautiful You?

There is a song by Jonny Diaz that has caught my attention lately. It's called "More Beautiful You." The first line of the chorus is "There could never be a more beautiful you." It's the main thrust of the song and it's so true. People constantly try to make themselves more beautiful or more appealing to themselves or others. The truth is: Every person was made the way they are for a reason.

First of all, the standard that society sets for "beautiful" is basically unattainable. Not every woman has the capacity to be 5'10", blonde, 110 pounds, perfectly toned, tan, etc... Likewise, every man doesn't have the capacity to be 6'2", athletic, musically inclined, and bench 300 pounds. It's ridiculous. AND, how boring would society be if everyone were this way? Making my outward appearance more appealing isn't wrong. However, if I obsess about being overweight because I think I have to meet a standard set by society, I'm in the wrong. Working out to be healthy is great. Working out so that I'll be noticed by people as being more "beautiful," is wrong.

True beauty has everything to do with your heart. Do you care about people other than yourself? Can you put their needs in front of yours? Do you go out of your way to help strangers? Are you honest? Respectful?

I think that the beauty of society is the differences we possess. The unique set of characteristics and gifts we are given shouldn't be hidden.

I have struggles in a related department lately. I've been falling into the trap of thinking that certain aspects of who I am and what I possess aren't going to be good enough. I start believing that it matters if someone else is better than me at one given thing. Lastly, I start to believe that the people closest to me in my life will not be as content with me because of the possibility that I might not measure up.

These are lies that Satan uses against me. He uses them to make me cynical and driven to change something about myself based on the standard other people set. He uses them to make me withdrawl from conversations with people. He uses them to make me focus on the negative. Basically, he uses them to drag me down. I start to buy into these things and sometimes its not until I start realizing that I'm bringing other people down that I need to address my issue.

Jonny unpacks a lot in the song. The last line of the bridge says "And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl." Man, how amazing it would be to still view life through the eyes of a child. Kids never think about the possibility of their hair being messed up or if they're athletic. Kids are carefree. I love it. Just last night, I hung out with a 5 year old who took marker and colored her entire hand and got it all over her face. She didn't care! She isn't driven to be the best looking, most attractive, successful, athletic, accomplished, etc... girl she can be. She's just enjoying life as it comes :)

I am carefully and wonderfully made. I have a purpose. I am beautiful exactly as I am. Because true beauty is not an outward appearance but an inward, ongoing transformation into becomming more and more like Christ with every day.

The Invitation Poem.

I stumbled across a poem today that addresses a lot of things that I’ve thought about and resonate with. I don’t want to take away from it at all, so I won’t try to describe my thoughts about it in this post. Also, there is a link at the bottom in which Oriah gives an explanation for the motivation for writing this poem. Read it. It’s something I can strongly relate to and I would be surprised if you couldn’t relate to it as well.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

-- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/prose/oriah_mountain_dreamer/invitation/
(scroll down past the poem to read her motivation for writing it)

Each According to his own Ability.

Often times, I find myself expecting that God will give me some big challenge that will require a big leap of faith on my part. Since these thoughts happen only occasionally, my next thought is usually wondering why God hasn't given me an opportunity to do so. A cool thing has happened and is still happening to me lately. I realized how backwards my thinking was.

Just like a seventh grader who goes out for basketball doesn't immediately make the High School Varsity squad, we have to take small steps at first in order to take bigger steps later on. I hadn't really put this together in the context of my relationship with God. First of all, God is not going to give me something that I can't handle. Second of all, why would God give me an opportunity to go serve people in a third world country when I often don't even serve those that I'm comfortable with right now?

I think the story of the talents in Matthew 25: 14-30 does a good job of relating this. Below is Matt 25:14-18.

"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money."

First of all, notice that the man gave the talents to his servants, each according to his own ability. Likewise, God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Secondly, the story ends with the master being happy with the two servants who responded to what the master had given them by gaining more. However, he's angry with the servant who buried his money in the ground.

I think I represent the guy who buried his money in the ground. God gives me opportunities. Albeit, they're often smaller opportunities, but they are opportunities nonetheless. Sometimes, I don't even realize that I'm quenching the spirit's prompting until after I've already done so. Only recently have I been seeing these opportunities more clearly.

Responding to these spiritual prompts, that I feel every so often, is absolutely amazing. Sometimes, they include just listening to a friend who needs someone to hear them out. Sometimes, it means breaking a communication barrier with someone you're uncomfortable with. Sometimes, it means saying something to a random person that you may never see again. I realize these are all general things, but these are all prompts that I've received from the Holy Spirit over the last month or so.

Its exciting to me to know that the spirit is prompting me to do things. Also, its even more exciting when I actually have the guts to respond in the right way. I almost always know what the spirit wants me to do when it happens. Its usually my own brain that gets in the way. "That would be awkward, I'll be late for class, I don't know that person, etc.." These are usually the things that come into my head when I feel the spirit's prompting.

Like most things in the life of a follower of Jesus, I think its always important to keep in mind why we do the things we do. Of course our mommies, daddies, pastors, teachers, etc... tell us that we need to act a certain way. They tell us that we should honor God's commands. But why? What's the big deal anyway? The more I think about this, the more I realize the sheer magnitude of love that Christ displayed for us. As I begin to dive into this, I'm always overwhelmed that someone that perfect would endure something so humiliating. For me. I do the the things I do out of love for my savior; NOT because some big shot figure of christian culture tells me its what a christian should do. [mini-rant...haha.]

The Abundance of Grace

Grace is a funny concept. When I think about it, I think of a child who is misbehaving and breaks some of his mom’s fine china. When mom doesn’t punish the child for the child’s actions even though the child deserves it, the child is confused. This is the picture I have of grace. I relate to the child in this picture because it doesn’t seem that this is usually how this situation would play out. Usually, the child would be disciplined for his actions and the mom would be upset with the child for at least a little while.

When I was in 8th grade, I was taking Algebra 1. I wasn’t too good at it and therefore, needed extra help after school from time to time. On one evening, my pastor was supposed to pick me up because he wanted to “coach” me to help me improve my basketball skills. I was uncomfortable with this idea, so I decided to go to a friend’s house and hang out until my pastor went back home. When I got home and my mom asked me where I’d been, I told her that I had gotten help, after school, with Algebra. However, she had contacted the school and confirmed that I was not there. WHAM! She caught me. She was very upset at the lie that I’d told; especially because my pastor had come 25 miles to pick me up and I never showed. No matter how many times I said I was sorry, she wasn’t ready to forgive me right then and there. Up to this point, I’d never seen my mom so upset. I felt like the lowest of people on the earth for making her feel that way.

When I screw up in life, I feel the same way that I felt on that day when I betrayed my mother’s trust. I know God watches my every move and knows my every thought. I know it must upset him when I do things that are wrong. Therefore, I always feel like crap for an extended period of time when I become consciously aware of my screw-up. I feel like God is out in the clouds somewhere with a scowl on his face and a finger pointed in my direction, scolding me for the sin that I’ve just committed. I feel so ashamed that the thought of God forgiving me seems far-fetched. It seems like God would have to be crazy to be able to forgive me and then want to continue his relationship with me.

As in the story with my mom, I feel like God needs some space for awhile. I feel like he'll not want me around for a couple days. This is yet another aspect of God that I can't comprehend. Like in the story of the prodigal son, God runs out to meet me as soon as I've repented. He wants to kill the fatted calf and celebrate that his son has returned home (see Luke 15:11-32). Immediately, he's forgiven me. How can this be? All my experiences tell me that God shouldn't act this way. Its hard to remember that his abundant grace is not something that man can possess. He loves me more than I can even comprehend. Repentance is a step in the right direction; a step God wants to see me take. Therefore, it makes him happy.

God doesn't exist within the boundaries of the human mind. He's bigger than the box I try to place him in. When I remember this, I have an easier time accepting the grace that is freely given to me. I think learning to accept grace more freely is going to be key to my growth in Christ. Often, when I find it hard to accept it, I wallow in my own misery. That time immediately following my repentance is then wasted. Hopefully, through accepting grace more freely, I can make more consistent steps toward spiritual growth and ultimately growing closer in relationship with Christ.

CLOSE AND CONSTANT

Problems that arise in my life usually cause me to do one of two things initially.

One: I feel apathetic about the problem. Its easy not to do anything about the problem. I might justify to myself why it isn't a big deal. I also might just chose to blatantly ignore it. This is usually my first course of action. Almost inevitably, it leads to the second thing I do when I have a problem.

Two: One way or another, I muster up a ton of motivation to fix "my problem." Often times, this requires intense mental effort. I'll pray about it. I'll journal about it (ie what I'm doing now). I might even go as far as talking to close friends and doing research on it. This course of action usually works great... for a time. In the end, this mental effort leaves me feeling burnt out and eventually, I cycle back around to the apathetic mindset.

Somewhere in the midst of this continual cycle, I realize that I can't do it on my own. In fact, a better way to state it would be that I can't do it at all. It's not that I need help to deal with my problem, it's that I'm not the one that should be dealing with my problem. I can only beat my problem for a short time on my own. In the end, my selfish nature kicks my butt.

This cycle continues because I can never seem to let God be in control of my life. Its as simple as that. I realize that it's what I'm supposed to do. SO, often times, I start to practice this. It too, takes a lot of mental effort. It's weird not to feel like you're in control of your own life. However, it feels great. It feels relieving. It feels a bit like a vacation from reality.

The catch is that while I'm letting God run my life, I still have to be on guard against my own selfishness. Slowly, but definitely surely, I subconsciously start to retake control of my life. It's like a default setting in my brain that needs to be monitored, because it can only save the updated setting for a short time. When I regain control, its often not a huge shift back into the "problem." It's often subtle. Before I know it, I'm back in stage one of apathy. Nevertheless, I keep fighting. God calls me to keep fighting.

My fiance and I discuss scripture from time to time. Below is a passage that she prompted me to check out.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Romans 8:18-27

Paul speaks volumes in these verses about frustration. He also gives encouragement as to how to deal with it. I'm amazed at how my life seems to have so many coincidences. I need this passage right now, and yet, but some random chance... my fiance decides to pull this one out the air. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't feel like an accident that things happen the way they do a lot of the time.

I'm also amazed at how patient God seems to be with me. It feels like I let the same problems arise in my life over and over and yet God keeps reminding me of his simple truths. He reminds me of the same things time after time after time. Often, I feel like such an idiot and hypocrite for failing to realize what God wants to do in my life and how he wants to help me. YET, he doesn't even want me to feel that way. He welcomes me with open arms every time I mess up. He welcomes me back with joy and love.

When I think about it, its wild that I ever wander away from letting God have control of my life in the first place. The joy of giving up control far outweigh the benefits of being in control. Yet my default settings eventually take over without constant monitoring. That's why I shouldn't even monitor them. God should. Putting myself in that place means being in close communion with him. Plain and simple. Sure this was long and maybe boring, but when it comes down to it. Its all about having a CLOSE AND CONSTANT relationship with our Savior. He takes care of the rest.

Prayer... and other somewhat related thoughts.

A few college ministry organizations around UNI's campus recently hosted a "Prayer Week." I was pretty skeptical. I have an issue with constantly questioning the authenticity of other Christians. However, I felt God impressing upon my heart to check this thing out and consider participating. Now, I'm so glad I did.

To go along with 24/7 Prayer Week, BASIC and The Lutheran Student Center hosted a 24/7 prayer room. The idea was to sign up for at least an hour time slot and they attempted to fill every hour of the week. I think they came pretty darn close. In this prayer room, there was a big wooden cross, a fountain with running water, soft music playing, bibles, paper, a big mural on the wall, etc…

However, it wasn't the prayer room itself that really struck me. It was a teaching on one of Jesus' parables that I heard beforehand that did. Luke 18:1-8 is one of Jesus' shortest parables and one that I don't ever remember reading.

The Parable of the Persistent Widow
1Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. 3And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.' 4"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, 5yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' " 6And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

God wants my constant prayer. He wants me to cry out to him. However, it often feels like God doesn't hear me. I'm so used to instant gratification that I'm not willing to be patient for God's response. I'm so used to bathing myself in my own selfishness, that I forget that God is....well, God. The savior of my soul and the entire reason I exist. I forget that while God has a plan and good intentions for my life, he doesn't have to operate by my schedule. God doesn't need a reason to do what he wants to do. He does not answer to me.

Like in the parable, God does hear my prayers. They matter. However, I don't think the "...and will not God bring about justice for his chosen..." part means that God answers my prayers the way I want them to be answered. I fail to realize that my life, however brutal it could become (not that it is in the least), is not my life. I often forget that I am a small piece in an astronomically huge puzzle. God has a plan for my piece of the puzzle and the prayer that I want answered the way I want it to be answered, might not be aligned with the rest of the puzzle. It might not fit. God is God and I am one person. The way I sometimes think and act show me that I can never remind myself of that enough.

"...however, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

Will Jesus, the Son of Man and the Son of God; the link between God and humanity, find faith in me when he comes? God can't not hold up his end of the bargain. It's against his divine nature. He will come and he will take me with him. But when he comes, will he find that I was faithful?

I battle a self-pleasing soul everyday. Often, I lose this battle. I give in. I end up choosing to please myself over choosing to worship the God who loves me more than I can even love myself. Will he find me faithful? Sometimes, I feel the answer to that question is a definite NO. Yet, God is not measuring me by my screw-ups, and that feels amazing. What an amazing grace that must be.

Theodon from Lord of the Rings says it best:

"No, we cannot defeat the armies of Mordor, but we will meet them in battle nonetheless."

So I march forward; knowing that I cannot defeat my selfishness. I cannot defeat my cursed, depraved mind. That is, I can't defeat them, apart from the only one who can (Sunday school answer implied).

The magnitude of Christ's death.

I've recently grasped the idea that it is extremely difficult for me to really enter into and appreciate Christ's death. This is an event that I've heard about so many times that it has become just another mundane fact of Christianity. Jesus died the most horrible death imagineable. For me. It is stated as if it is a mathematical fact. No expression, no enthusiasm, no gratefulness, nothing.

It's hard to remember that this "fact" is what all of Christianity is centered around. It's hard to understand the magnitude of Jesus' decision to die for humanity. It's hard to remember that God had to turn his back on Jesus as he took on the sin of the entire world while spikes were being driven through his feet and hands. It's hard to fathom someone with the capacity to love everyone so much that he could die this cruel death. It's so far beyond my perception. However, I think there is value in entering into this with the best of my ability.

Jesus spent his life knowing how and when he would die. He knew it could be no other way. He knew his own father would turn his back on him. He knew people would hate him and that his closest earthly friends would deny him. He knew everything this event would entail. He had plenty of time to agonize over it. Plenty of time to change his mind. At any point he could have returned to heaven. It's not like he would have had to wriggle his way out of it. He was not locked into it. It was entirely his choice.

If a friend were to buy a new car and give it to me, I would be forever grateful. I would make sure that friend knew how much I appreciated his gift. I would probably even sacrifice parts of my life to make him feel appreciated. Yet, for the greatest gift of all, I often return nothing to the giver.

I think this is a key growing point in my walk with Christ. I can never fully appreciate what he did for me, but I can try. I can attempt to put myself in that situation to try to fathom just a little bit of what it may have been like to be in that spot. I think my becoming more aware of this will strengthen my appreciation for what he did for me.