CLOSE AND CONSTANT

Problems that arise in my life usually cause me to do one of two things initially.

One: I feel apathetic about the problem. Its easy not to do anything about the problem. I might justify to myself why it isn't a big deal. I also might just chose to blatantly ignore it. This is usually my first course of action. Almost inevitably, it leads to the second thing I do when I have a problem.

Two: One way or another, I muster up a ton of motivation to fix "my problem." Often times, this requires intense mental effort. I'll pray about it. I'll journal about it (ie what I'm doing now). I might even go as far as talking to close friends and doing research on it. This course of action usually works great... for a time. In the end, this mental effort leaves me feeling burnt out and eventually, I cycle back around to the apathetic mindset.

Somewhere in the midst of this continual cycle, I realize that I can't do it on my own. In fact, a better way to state it would be that I can't do it at all. It's not that I need help to deal with my problem, it's that I'm not the one that should be dealing with my problem. I can only beat my problem for a short time on my own. In the end, my selfish nature kicks my butt.

This cycle continues because I can never seem to let God be in control of my life. Its as simple as that. I realize that it's what I'm supposed to do. SO, often times, I start to practice this. It too, takes a lot of mental effort. It's weird not to feel like you're in control of your own life. However, it feels great. It feels relieving. It feels a bit like a vacation from reality.

The catch is that while I'm letting God run my life, I still have to be on guard against my own selfishness. Slowly, but definitely surely, I subconsciously start to retake control of my life. It's like a default setting in my brain that needs to be monitored, because it can only save the updated setting for a short time. When I regain control, its often not a huge shift back into the "problem." It's often subtle. Before I know it, I'm back in stage one of apathy. Nevertheless, I keep fighting. God calls me to keep fighting.

My fiance and I discuss scripture from time to time. Below is a passage that she prompted me to check out.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Romans 8:18-27

Paul speaks volumes in these verses about frustration. He also gives encouragement as to how to deal with it. I'm amazed at how my life seems to have so many coincidences. I need this passage right now, and yet, but some random chance... my fiance decides to pull this one out the air. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't feel like an accident that things happen the way they do a lot of the time.

I'm also amazed at how patient God seems to be with me. It feels like I let the same problems arise in my life over and over and yet God keeps reminding me of his simple truths. He reminds me of the same things time after time after time. Often, I feel like such an idiot and hypocrite for failing to realize what God wants to do in my life and how he wants to help me. YET, he doesn't even want me to feel that way. He welcomes me with open arms every time I mess up. He welcomes me back with joy and love.

When I think about it, its wild that I ever wander away from letting God have control of my life in the first place. The joy of giving up control far outweigh the benefits of being in control. Yet my default settings eventually take over without constant monitoring. That's why I shouldn't even monitor them. God should. Putting myself in that place means being in close communion with him. Plain and simple. Sure this was long and maybe boring, but when it comes down to it. Its all about having a CLOSE AND CONSTANT relationship with our Savior. He takes care of the rest.

Prayer... and other somewhat related thoughts.

A few college ministry organizations around UNI's campus recently hosted a "Prayer Week." I was pretty skeptical. I have an issue with constantly questioning the authenticity of other Christians. However, I felt God impressing upon my heart to check this thing out and consider participating. Now, I'm so glad I did.

To go along with 24/7 Prayer Week, BASIC and The Lutheran Student Center hosted a 24/7 prayer room. The idea was to sign up for at least an hour time slot and they attempted to fill every hour of the week. I think they came pretty darn close. In this prayer room, there was a big wooden cross, a fountain with running water, soft music playing, bibles, paper, a big mural on the wall, etc…

However, it wasn't the prayer room itself that really struck me. It was a teaching on one of Jesus' parables that I heard beforehand that did. Luke 18:1-8 is one of Jesus' shortest parables and one that I don't ever remember reading.

The Parable of the Persistent Widow
1Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. 3And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.' 4"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, 5yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' " 6And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

God wants my constant prayer. He wants me to cry out to him. However, it often feels like God doesn't hear me. I'm so used to instant gratification that I'm not willing to be patient for God's response. I'm so used to bathing myself in my own selfishness, that I forget that God is....well, God. The savior of my soul and the entire reason I exist. I forget that while God has a plan and good intentions for my life, he doesn't have to operate by my schedule. God doesn't need a reason to do what he wants to do. He does not answer to me.

Like in the parable, God does hear my prayers. They matter. However, I don't think the "...and will not God bring about justice for his chosen..." part means that God answers my prayers the way I want them to be answered. I fail to realize that my life, however brutal it could become (not that it is in the least), is not my life. I often forget that I am a small piece in an astronomically huge puzzle. God has a plan for my piece of the puzzle and the prayer that I want answered the way I want it to be answered, might not be aligned with the rest of the puzzle. It might not fit. God is God and I am one person. The way I sometimes think and act show me that I can never remind myself of that enough.

"...however, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

Will Jesus, the Son of Man and the Son of God; the link between God and humanity, find faith in me when he comes? God can't not hold up his end of the bargain. It's against his divine nature. He will come and he will take me with him. But when he comes, will he find that I was faithful?

I battle a self-pleasing soul everyday. Often, I lose this battle. I give in. I end up choosing to please myself over choosing to worship the God who loves me more than I can even love myself. Will he find me faithful? Sometimes, I feel the answer to that question is a definite NO. Yet, God is not measuring me by my screw-ups, and that feels amazing. What an amazing grace that must be.

Theodon from Lord of the Rings says it best:

"No, we cannot defeat the armies of Mordor, but we will meet them in battle nonetheless."

So I march forward; knowing that I cannot defeat my selfishness. I cannot defeat my cursed, depraved mind. That is, I can't defeat them, apart from the only one who can (Sunday school answer implied).

The magnitude of Christ's death.

I've recently grasped the idea that it is extremely difficult for me to really enter into and appreciate Christ's death. This is an event that I've heard about so many times that it has become just another mundane fact of Christianity. Jesus died the most horrible death imagineable. For me. It is stated as if it is a mathematical fact. No expression, no enthusiasm, no gratefulness, nothing.

It's hard to remember that this "fact" is what all of Christianity is centered around. It's hard to understand the magnitude of Jesus' decision to die for humanity. It's hard to remember that God had to turn his back on Jesus as he took on the sin of the entire world while spikes were being driven through his feet and hands. It's hard to fathom someone with the capacity to love everyone so much that he could die this cruel death. It's so far beyond my perception. However, I think there is value in entering into this with the best of my ability.

Jesus spent his life knowing how and when he would die. He knew it could be no other way. He knew his own father would turn his back on him. He knew people would hate him and that his closest earthly friends would deny him. He knew everything this event would entail. He had plenty of time to agonize over it. Plenty of time to change his mind. At any point he could have returned to heaven. It's not like he would have had to wriggle his way out of it. He was not locked into it. It was entirely his choice.

If a friend were to buy a new car and give it to me, I would be forever grateful. I would make sure that friend knew how much I appreciated his gift. I would probably even sacrifice parts of my life to make him feel appreciated. Yet, for the greatest gift of all, I often return nothing to the giver.

I think this is a key growing point in my walk with Christ. I can never fully appreciate what he did for me, but I can try. I can attempt to put myself in that situation to try to fathom just a little bit of what it may have been like to be in that spot. I think my becoming more aware of this will strengthen my appreciation for what he did for me.